In my experience with co-parenting with a toxic person, I have found some common behavioral issues. I have four children with my ex-husband. As the child of divorced parents, abandonment and blame are common thoughts for me. I’m never getting divorced. I blamed my mother for leaving my father, who I thought was the best thing ever. She had told us he was abusive to us and she was afraid. I didn’t believe her. Now in my fifties, my relationship with my mother is still being repaired. So when I told to “consider divorce” because if I stayed with him any longer the kids would be hurt. I spent my time trying to provide and nurture my family, it was time-consuming and endless. I began to feel like a rug out sponge. I was divorced in 2003 with all my children being born btw 10/1995-7/2000. I had left Jimmy 3 times during our 8-year marriage.
I bought a house in Sacramento, close enough to family and friends but far enough from Jimmy. Jimmy was a toxic person, a taker, someone who couldn’t take responsibility for his actions. Jimmy as a father was verbally abusive to his children, Starting a conversation with “Hey stupid” is something is just said(yesterday) to my (our) 18-year-old son James Micheal. We haven’t seen or heard from him since Christmas. Topically only seeing his children at family holiday’s or when he needs a place to stay. I told Jim the door was open if used it to spend time with his children. I told him that his relationship with his children was between them. He had the boys and Jeanmarie live him at various times from 2005,2010-2011,2012, then CPS took the boys away, putting the boys in foster care, with their Auntie Sandy, till I could find an apartment for all of us. In the End, My oldest Jeanmarie never moved home with either of us. She dropped out of school and got married. She and her husband have just purchased their first home and have celebrated 5 years of marriage. Alisa who never lived with just her father unless I was there is an Honor student and is about to graduate from Chapman. William my oldest son went to boarding school at Riordon High School as a Legacy student, instead of living with me but is home on all college vacations. James my baby boy is a senior at San Rafael, he was diagnosed with Aspersberg’s disorder. He has bloomed with all his sibling gone. spends many hours on the computer. He is in AP computer programming and loves tanks and history. James is lacking the capability of seeing something from someone else’s point of view. I have worked on eye contact and social behaviors with James since he was a baby. He speech therapists also worked positive behavior training. I spent a lot of time in the principles office during middle school years. But high school was a turning point.
I think it was better to not have Jimmy around the kids all the time, I thought his parenting style was authoritative, but in hind site, I think he was abusive with the kids. He said you raise kids like you train dogs.
The kids all talk to him but, some are more guarded than others. Most only text. As I said he just showed up yesterday to “give ” his son a car. You pay the registration and it’s all yours. My son doesn’t have a drivers license, I said. “I’ll teach him how to drive,” he said . Then as he walks out the door he said he learned how to drive stealing his neighbor’s cars and driving around at night. He used to tell a story about the police would come by his parent neighborhood to pick up the car’s he “borrowed “to get from one party to another. His father was a Judge in family court very well respected, so the police let it slide. So I asked why he was giving James the car he said it had 1700 in parking tickets. So on top of paying registration, insurance their parking tickets. WTF, my father sold me his car for the low blue book and bought a new/used car. This car is a salvage, I want to burn the title. Why would he want to dump his problems into his son’s lap? Last summer same thing, walks in hands his son his old phone, tells him he doesn’t want it anymore. Leaves out that his ex-girlfriend is blowing up his phone with text messages. It wasn’t pretty, but James did get to learn about blocking someone’s number. He got a free app to use wifi for service so no phone bill. Phone bills with my ex-husband is a whole other story. I could go on and I will purge myself of this toxic person from my life. I will use this practice in my daily life because toxic people are out there.
